Rough Evening

I guess Mom probably senses something is different than it's been for a few days. I tried to get her to take her night pills,which she refused to take. Finally convinced her to take the "important" ones, but she refused to take the Tylenol PM. The doctor wasn't in today to call in a new script for sleeping pills so the nurse said not to give her the Lunesta, but to give her Tylenol PM. I tried to explain that to her after she refused them, but that just didn't work. You can't explain things like that to her. So now I think I am in for another sleepless night. She has no sleeping meds in her at all. I just sat at the kitchen table and cried. I keep saying I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't want her not to get the care she needs just because I wanted to take care of her. I keep asking myself if I am doing the best thing for her. She is so easy to care for in the daytime, but turns into something else early evening. So now I am listening to her pray for her family, by name, making so much sense that it is scary. Alzheimer's is such a cruel disease. There is so much about it that is unexplainable. I hate the unknown. I want to know what I am up against. But I asked for this and I am going to try to tough it out. I don't believe for one second that it is going to get easier. It is only going to get harder and more frustrating. The few days I had away didn't really do me any good, because I saw what life was without taking care of Mom. I'm not ready to put her back in the nursing home yet. My goal was to try to keep her until after Christmas. I just wanted her here for the holidays one more time. Next Christmas, I don't think she will know anyone. Maybe, if the doctor can give her something to mellow her out in the early evening and a sleeping pill that doesn't cause vivid dreams, we'll have something to work with. I'll be calling the doctor in the morning. I don't want another evening like this one. Please pray for us.